When a Spouse Says He Used Substances Because He Didn’t Feel Appreciated

A Christian Counseling Reflection for Wives

When a husband says, “I used because I didn’t feel appreciated,” it can land with a heavy emotional blow. Many wives hear this as your fault, even if he doesn’t say those words directly. But beneath that statement is a deeper spiritual and emotional truth:

A person’s choice to cope in unhealthy ways is never caused by someone else’s lack of appreciation.

It comes from unmet needs, unresolved pain, and disconnection from one’s own emotional and spiritual center.

Substance use is not a response to someone else’s behavior—it is a response to one’s inner world.

What’s Really Happening Beneath “I don’t feel appreciated”?

Often, when someone says they don’t feel appreciated, what they really mean is:

• “I don’t know how to receive affirmation.”

• “I don’t recognize my own worth.”

• “I need something internally that I’ve never learned to cultivate.”

• “I feel empty and I don’t know how to fill that emptiness in a healthy way.”

Feeling appreciated is not something another person can force into someone.If a man doesn’t feel appreciated from within—from God’s truth, from his own identity, from his personal confidence—no amount of external affirmation will feel like enough.

This is spiritual reality:

If a person doesn’t receive from God first, they will feel like no human is giving enough.

A husband’s inability to feel appreciated is not a verdict on his wife. It is an indicator of inner wounds and disconnection from God’s voice, not his wife’s performance.

When He Says, “I don’t know what would make me feel appreciated”

This often means:

• He hasn’t done the inner work to understand himself.

• He’s disconnected from his emotional needs.

• He’s looking outward for what can only be built inward.

• He may be wanting comfort without responsibility.

• He is unable to name what he needs because he hasn’t connected with God or himself deeply enough to recognize it.

A husband who does not know what he needs will often blame what he doesn’t feel on someone close to him.This is not malice—it is emotional immaturity, pain, or learned coping.

It is not your fault.

What a Wife Can—and Cannot—Do

You cannot:

• Fix his emptiness

• Become the source of his identity

• Prevent someone from coping in destructive ways

• Heal wounds that began long before you entered his story

But you can:

1. Ground yourself in truth

Remind yourself:His choices are his responsibility. His feelings are his stewardship. His coping is his decision.

This protects your heart from false guilt.

2. Respond with clarity, not self-blame

You can say with grounded compassion:

“I care about how you feel, but your choices—including substance use—aren’t caused by my actions. I want you to have support and healing, but I can’t be responsible for your coping decisions.”

This sets a boundary without becoming defensive.

3. Encourage him toward his own healing work

Not with pressure, but with truth:

• Counseling

• Recovery groups

• Men’s discipleship groups

• Spiritual mentorship

• Accountability

These are places where men learn to feel appreciated, loved, and valued because God says they are, not because their wife fills an internal void.

4. Protect your emotional health

God does not ask you to absorb blame you were never meant to carry.Stay rooted in your identity: loved, worthy, and not responsible for another adult’s destructive choices.

Journal Questions for the Wife

1. What emotions rise up when he says he used because he didn’t feel appreciated?

2. What part of me wants to take responsibility for his coping? Why?

3. What do I know is true about myself that contradicts the blame I’m feeling?

4. Where have I already shown care, support, appreciation, or love?

5. What is not mine to carry in this situation?

6. What boundaries would help me stay grounded and emotionally safe?

7. What does God say about my worth and my role in relationships?

8. How can I stay compassionate without becoming a scapegoat?

9. What support do I need right now—emotionally, spiritually, relationally?

__________________________

Christian Art Therapy Exercise: “The Wells of Appreciation”

Purpose:

To help you visualize what belongs to you and what belongs to him, and to detach emotionally from his misplaced blame.

Instructions:

1. Draw two wells on a blank page.

   • Label one “His Well”

   • Label the other “My Well”

2. Inside His Well, draw or write what he bring to himself—the inner work only he and God can cultivate such as:

   • “Feeling appreciated”

   • “Identity in Christ”

   • “Healing”

   • “Emotional maturity”

   • “Healthy coping”

     These are things he must cultivate with God.

3. Inside My Well, draw or write what you bring into the relationship—your offerings of love, not obligations such as:

   • “Kindness”

   • “Support I can offer”

   • “Truth”

   • “Boundaries”

   • “My emotional safety”

4. Around the two wells, draw a fence or border representing God’s truth:

   • “Each one must carry his own load.” (Gal. 6:5)

   • “The Lord is my strength.”

   • “I am responsible for my choices.”

5. Use colors:

   • Calm blues or greens for your well

   • Neutral or earthy tones for his well

   • Gold for God’s border of truth

6. When finished, reflect: What belongs to me? What belongs to him? What belongs to God?

This visual separation helps you release false responsibility.