When Regret Haunts a Past Marriage: A Christian Counseling Perspective

Christi Young
Oct 28
4 min read

Regret has a way of showing up uninvited. One memory triggers another, and suddenly you’re back in the middle of a marriage that ended — replaying every mistake, every angry moment, every word you wish you could take back. When regret meets anger, it can feel like a prison: stuck between “I should have done better” and “Why did this happen to me?”

But as followers of Christ, we are invited into a different story — one where grace becomes bigger than our past.

1️⃣ Regret Reveals What We Value

The pain you feel is real. It points to what mattered — commitment, love, family, faithfulness. Without care, that longing can turn into self-condemnation:

“If only I had…I should have known better…I ruined everything.”

But regret isn’t a verdict — it’s evidence of a heart that wanted to love well. That matters.

2️⃣ Anger Is Often a Bodyguard for the Wound

Anger can feel powerful — a force that rises when you feel powerless about what’s already done. Underneath?

Grief
Shame
Fear of repeating your past
Disappointment in yourself and others

Instead of pushing anger away, ask: What is this anger trying to protect in me? Gentle curiosity allows God to touch what we’ve tried to defend alone.

3️⃣ God’s Grace Is Not Bound by Our History

One of the enemy’s favorite lies is: “Your failure is final.”

Yet Scripture shows a God who restores failures:

Moses fled after murder — God still called him
David ruined a marriage — God still redeemed his line
Peter denied Jesus — Jesus still trusted him to lead

Your mistakes don’t have the authority to rewrite God’s purpose for your life.

“He restores my soul…”— Psalm 23:3

Restoration doesn’t erase the past — it transforms it into testimony.

4️⃣ What Can I Do With This Pain?

Here are healing steps I often invite clients into:

✅ Name the wound and the regret — not to shame yourself, but to let God join you there

✅ Acknowledge the choices you regret — and free yourself from carrying responsibility for what was out of your control.

✅ Offer compassion to the parts of you still hurting — and loosen the grip of resentment toward the one you once shared a life with.

✅ Ask God what He sees now — not just what was broken

✅ Pour energy into the present — where change can actually happen

Growth happens when regret becomes a teacher instead of a tyrant.

5️⃣ Your Future Relationships Don’t Have to Repeat the Past

Regret can make you vow, “Never again.” But God calls you not to avoid closeness — He calls you to redeemed closeness.

Healthy healing leads to:

Better boundaries
More patience and empathy
Courage to communicate openly
A deeper capacity to love well

Your past marriage may shape you — but it doesn’t get the final say.

A Prayer for Moving Forward

“Lord, You know my regret and the pain I hide behind anger. Meet me in the truth — not to condemn me, but to restore me. Heal what was wounded. Redeem what was lost. Teach me to live from Your grace instead of my guilt. Write a new story in me. Amen.”

You Are Not Defined by What Failed

You are defined by the One who forgives, renews, and strengthens. Regret can break a man down — or with Jesus, it can build a man into someone wiser, kinder, and more grounded in love.

There is still a future worth choosing — and you are not walking toward it alone.

Journaling Prompts for Healing Regret After Divorce

1️⃣ What parts of my marriage still feel unfinished or unresolved in my heart?Write freely without fixing anything — just name what’s still tender.

2️⃣ What do I regret most — and what value does that regret reveal about who I wanted to be?Look for the good desire under the mistake.

3️⃣ If my anger had a voice, what would it say it’s protecting?Where does anger show up? What does it fear?

4️⃣ What moments from my marriage replay the most?What do these memories want me to understand or grieve?

5️⃣ What am I still trying to pay for that Christ has already forgiven?

Where are you carrying shame that God has released?

6️⃣ What lies do I hear about myself because of my past marriage?

Now write the truth God says instead.

7️⃣ How have my wounds shaped me into someone who can love with more wisdom today?Identify growth without romanticizing the pain.

8️⃣ Where do I still blame myself? Where do I still blame my ex-spouse? What would it look like to loosen the grip of blame?

9️⃣ What kind of man have I become and do I want to become in future relationships?

Describe the character traits, not circumstances.

🔟 What is one small step of healing I can take this week? Make it doable: a conversation, a prayer, a boundary, an act of kindness toward yourself.