Adopting Children & Parenting Nonbiological Children

A Christian counseling guide with research, tools, and theology

Adoption is a profound “yes” to family. It’s also a multi-layered adjustment—legally, emotionally, spiritually, and neurologically. Parents and children may carry grief, questions about identity and belonging, and the effects of early adversity. With attachment-focused, trauma-informed care and a strong community, families can build safety, connection, and resilience over time. PMC

What the research consistently shows

Early adversity matters—but caregiving warmth changes trajectories.

Longitudinal studies of children adopted from public care find higher rates of emotional/behavioral challenges linked to pre-adoption adversity; importantly, warm, responsive parenting is associated with symptom improvement over time. Think “connection first, then correction.” PMC+1

Secure attachment is achievable.

Meta-analytic work indicates that adopted children—especially those placed in early childhood—can form secure attachments at rates comparable to peers when caregiving is stable and attuned. Early placement helps, but sensitive caregiving remains the active ingredient. IDEAS/RePEc

Adoptive parent mental health needs attention.

Adoptive mothers and fathers can experience significant mood and anxiety symptoms after placement (post-adoption depression); screening and early support improve outcomes for both parent and child. PMC+1

Openness is a tool, not a template.

Maintaining some connection (direct or mediated) to birth family/important adults can support identity and reduce unanswered questions; the “right” level should be individualized and safety-guided. GovInfo+1

Transracial adoption requires proactive identity work.

Racial socialization, connection to heritage, and preparation for bias protect well-being. Avoiding conversations about race or culture elevates risk. Build community and representation on purpose. PMC+2PMC+2

Emotional impact: child and parent

For children:

• Mix of emotions is normal: relief, grief for first family, fear of loss/return, loyalty conflicts.

• Common signals: sleep problems, food concerns, control battles, big emotions, attention challenges. These are often stress responses, not “defiance.” Co-regulation and predictability lower the alarm system. PMC

For parents:

• Expect joy and fatigue. Watch for irritability, numbness, guilt, withdrawal—signs of post-adoption depression/anxiety. Treatment works (counseling, routines, respite, sometimes medication). PMC

What helps: trauma-informed, attachment-focused care

TBRI® (Trust-Based Relational Intervention).An evidence-informed, attachment-based model that equips caregivers with Connecting, Empowering, and Correcting principles—meeting sensory/physiological needs, building trust, and teaching skills once safety is felt. Evidence summaries and program evaluations show improved child regulation and caregiver confidence. PMC+2Karyn Purvis Institute+2

PACE (Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, Empathy).A practical stance (from Dan Hughes/DDP) for daily interactions: stay curious about the need beneath behavior, accept the child’s inner experience (not all behaviors), and use lightness and empathy to lower shame and fear. Widely applied across adoption/fostering and schools. DDP Network+2Cardiff and Vale University Health Board+2

Five daily practices you can start now (TBRI/PACE-aligned):

1. Connect before you direct. 30–60 seconds of eye level, calm voice, and a choice (“blue cup or red?”) reduces power struggles. PMC

2. Meet body needs early. Water, protein snack, movement, and sensory breaks prevent many “behavior” spikes. PMC

3. Name it to tame it. “Your fists are tight—does your worry feel big?” Labeling sensations/feelings lowers intensity. PMC

4. Do-overs. Briefly redo a moment (“Let’s try that ask again; I’ll help”) to wire new patterns without shame. PMC

5. Predictable transitions. Visual timers, countdowns, previewing the next step (who/what/where) reduce meltdowns. PMC

Transracial & transcultural adoption: specific commitments

• Representation on purpose. Choose schools, churches, neighborhoods, and activities where your child isn’t “the only one.”

• Racial socialization at home. Hair/skin care, books/media with shared heritage, mentors, language/cultural holidays.

• Bias preparedness. Age-appropriate scripts (for you and your child) for intrusive questions and stereotypes. These steps buffer mental-health risk and support identity coherence. PMC+2PMC+2

Openness: making it work in real life

• Think “kid-centered, safety-framed.” Openness ranges from shared info only → mediated contact → direct contact. What helps: clear boundaries, consistent cadence, written plans, and revisiting as needs change.

• Benefits to watch for: reduced secrecy, better identity formation, fewer loyalty binds—when the relationships are safe and guided. GovInfo+1

School and church: two powerful partners

• School: share a concise support plan (signals of overwhelm, regulation tools allowed in class, who to call). Many PACE-style strategies are classroom-friendly and improve learning readiness. Children in Fife+1

• Church: normalize adoption/kinship stories, recruit diverse mentors, form respite teams, and train volunteers on trauma-informed care. Child Welfare Information Gateway has current training resources. Child Welfare Information Gateway

When to seek added support

• Persistent aggression or self-harm talk, chronic sleep disturbance, food hoarding/restriction, severe school refusal, or caregiver burnout → consult an adoption-competent, trauma-trained clinician (EMDR, TF-CBT, DDP) and consider a medical workup (sleep, iron, thyroid, sensory). Post-adoption depression screening is appropriate for any parent reporting mood shifts. PMC

Biblical frame: adoption and belonging

• God’s heart: “Look after orphans and widows…” (James 1:27).

• Our identity: God adopts us in Christ (Eph. 1:5; Rom. 8:15; Gal. 4:4–7)—a picture of covenant love and full belonging.

• Pastoral guardrails: honor the entire adoption triad (child, birth family, adoptive family), reject saviorism, pursue justice/ethics, tell the truth about a child’s story with dignity, and commit to lifelong presence.

Prayer: “Father, thank You for welcoming us into Your family. Teach us to parent with wisdom and compassion. Heal what hurts; strengthen what is good; and root our home in Your steadfast love.”

Printable quick-start (put this on the fridge)

• ☐ Daily 10 & 10: ten minutes of child-led play; ten minutes of 1:1 calm connection. PMC

• ☐ Regulate first: water + protein + movement before hard tasks. PMC

• ☐ PACE scripts: “I’m wondering if…,” “It makes sense you felt…,” “Let’s figure this out together.” DDP Network

• ☐ Open-contact plan: format, cadence, safety boundaries; revisit quarterly. Child Welfare Library

• ☐ Parent care: set counseling check-in, line up respite, screen for PAD if mood shifts persist. PMC

Selected sources (accessible overviews & studies)

• Paine et al. (2021). Early adversity and parental warmth predict symptom trajectories post-adoption. Dev. Psychopathology. PMC

• van den Dries et al. (2009). Meta-analysis: attachment security in adopted children. Children & Youth Services Review. IDEAS/RePEc

• Mott et al. (2011); Foli et al. (2016). Post-adoption depression among adoptive parents. PMC+1

• Child Welfare Information Gateway (recent brief) and related resources on openness in adoption. GovInfo+1

• Lee (2003); Castner (2022); Simon & Farr (2021). Transracial adoption, racial socialization, and identity. PMC+2PMC+2

• Purvis et al. (2013) and 2024 evidence summary on TBRI; PACE/DDP practitioner guides. PMC+2Karyn Purvis Institute+2